How To Have A Gracious Conversation About Racism
Right now our country is in the grips of a huge conversation. We are getting a “talking to” on the state of race, injustice and inequality in our country. This conversation, at times, feels chaotic and confrontational. Protestors and headlines shouting. Social media and blog pages, trolls and the well-intended alike all engaging in verbal warfare. It’s hard to have real meaningful dialogue over the noise.
But it is time. In fact, it’s past time for us to talk.
Racism, systemic injustice, and violence have been practiced over centuries, which has caused a cauldron of anger to overturn scalding everyone in its wake. I believe that what we witnessed, especially in the first few days after George Floyd’s murder as people took to the streets, was a moment of sheer sorrow, anger, and rage. As an African American woman looking at that video, for days I could not stop the flow of hot tears down my face, at the most inopportune times. Enough was enough. Straw, meet the camel’s back.
People who have cried out for years unheard will not be silenced anymore. I could feel it in our allies who joined us on the asphalt around the world understanding that we are all truly one. We must raise our voices knowing that “injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere,” to quote Martin Luther King Jr.
My deepest desire is for us to enter the conversation on racism in our country with courage. Racism and injustice are human rights issues; talking about them should not be taboo. Learning how to communicate gracefully about this topic is an art form. It takes both bravery and humility to do it well. I fail more times than makes me comfortable, and yet I feel myself hitting my stride and communicating better with time. Below I’ve identified a few tips that have led me in hard conversations.
3 Tips for Talking about Race
#1. Start with humility.
A conversation starter might be: ”I am definitely not an expert in this subject, but my heart is telling me that I have to actively work to figure this out.” Then maybe say-- “I know it’s a challenging subject but I just wanted to ask: how do you feel about everything that is going on in our country regarding racism and inequality?” Then listen.
#2. Decide it is better to understand than to be understood.
This comes from Stephen Covey and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. What is the other person really saying? Practice active listening. Without getting defensive yourself, sit for a moment and reflect back to them using words that describe their feelings. For example, “It sounds like this conversation around race really upsets you. It feels like you get really defensive when you speak about it...tell me more because I really want to understand you better.”
#3. Let the other person know they are being brave just to engage.
It takes a lot to stay in the game. If we can keep from shutting down and stay open, so much can be learned. After a hard exchange, letting others know that you appreciate their willingness to speak about it really goes a long way to keep them thinking about what you said long after the conversation ends.
Even though we disagree today, there is still time to grow. You can end your conversation by saying, “I hope I continue to learn and I invite you to do the same.” You can also give them some food for thought. You can make a list of books, articles or blogs, whatever has helped you in your growth and send it to them. It might not happen in the first conversation--or the 29th-- but I believe that this is the way we move forward. This is the way we go about creating lasting change in our country in our government and in our institutions. One conversation at a time.
I thank you in advance for your bravery.
xxDahn
About the Author
Dahn Ballard is an avid believer in the concept that a joy-filled life is lived from the inside out. Married for 18 beautiful years to the dynamic actor Alimi Ballard and mom of two amazing, creative sons. As a relationshp coach through workshops, classes and one-on-ones, Dahn’s desire to work with clients to restore a sense of peace, order and joy in their relationships; not only with their significant others, but with their children and themselves. Dahn is an actor, writer, relationship coach, activist, speaker, and sits on the Dressember board.